Wednesday, April 3, 2019

The Now Whats

Oh hey there! Long time no write. It’s me Stacy, are you still there? I have now been home from the most epic summer in Europe for 8 months. EIGHT months. I am so embarrassed to say that. I have selected and edited every photo from the trip. They are waiting to be published in this blog. But something happened to me. What I am sharing is in no way a joke or me making light of a situation, it is the truth. 

I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, since birth. The last decade I went through trials of hard times and traumas. I pretty much go into hibernation every germy season from about October-May. I get so over the top worried of respiratory illnesses taking my daughter’s life that it is just easier for us to stay in and live in a bubble. 
This year was the worst season yet. I expected that. Brie started Kindergarten. I knew it would be an adjustment for her body and a many illness year, but I wasn’t prepared for the double whammy that happened. 

Let’s back up to when we got home in July. A week before we arrived back in the states after a 10 week journey through Europe, a drunk driver hit us on the interstate at a high rate of speed. We were all four taken by ambulance. I will post a more detailed post on that day later. Once home, we continued to try and recover from the pain and concussions. I went to the doctor almost weekly trying to figure out how to make the headaches stop and to be able to find my words when speaking. Every time I was told to wait to heal, it could be months. I spent the next three months laying down living for my concussion to heal. October. October is when the major concussion symptoms eased. Then just like that it was germy season and blah weather and now the time of year I don’t leave the house. But this year was the worst. I spent the winter trying to find a therapy, a dose of the missing chemicals, anything that could make me get out of bed. Nothing worked. Guys, I was full on severe depression. I slept, a lot. I am not sure why I am even writing this is past tense, I am still living the majority of the day in bed. But today I am determined to get this trip completed on here. 
In 2016 I started to write an article about major depression after a bucket list trip. I could never finish it because I told myself that no one would understand and I would be judged as a rich housewife who was throwing a fit until her next vacation. I am not any of those things. I am here now being honest about what I am going through. 

I have no idea if there is an actual term for this, but I am just going to call it the ‘Now Whats.’ I spent 6 months working from the time when I awoke to the time I passed out in the middle of research, working endlessly on putting together this summer trip to Europe. When I cam home and had finally mostly recovered from the accident, I didn’t know what to do first. I did not want to write about all of the amazing experiences we had just had. They were over and I was seriously mourning the thought that it was over-complete. Nothing else to plan and see.  No more bucket lists, mine had been checked off. I have lived my whole life as a mother planning the next birthday party or family vacation, literally never not planning anything. Yet here I am, done, with no plans of when I can get back to see my family in France again and a longing to move there that will not go away. So I call this depression the Now Whats. What am I going to plan now? Nothing. We cannot do this every summer....can we? No no no Stacy, that’s not fair to the rest of the family. Aubrey doesn’t want to give up another summer of softball tournaments and we missed out on too many celebrations with the family. So seasonal depression now gets topped with the now what’s depression. Is that it? My traveling career is over and now I go back to working for the man? And now it’s Spring. The sun has come out. Oh how that makes a difference in my health! So here we are just now starting to write about this trip. I am sorry for the delay, but it’s coming. Finally.

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